15 Oct 2011

So... Exactly one week later Andrew and I were back at the exact same bar in a very different world. He needs more time. He's in a bad place. He wants me to be happy. What. The. Hell. I want to be like fuck this, Not what I signed up for except somewhere inside me I care too much to do that. He is the guy from the beginning that messes with my emotional balance. Starting a year ago pretty much to now at the toga party, then again in April around Bid Day and now all over again. So I'm not sure how this works this time except I'm not giving up so easily this time around. Last night he told me to be like every other girlfriend he's had and start hating him now and from that I managed to start caring more. FML. But in the middle of my drunken emotional mess last night I turned my anger and sadness with Andrew around and did that whole mistake thing. I slept with Benji literally because I didn't want to be alone and he knew it. It was mutally using each other. It kinda of helped. It kinda hurt more. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore...

Anyways for the home side of life.... I'm "grounded". Remember when I said my friends are watching me downward spiral into alcoholism, well someone finally notice and while I realize she just cares about me... I don't respond well to control. Jamie has decided that I have a problem and I am not allowed to drink until next wednesday when I go out with her. On that night I can have 5 beers, if I don't agree. I will be locked out of my house. So to that... I used Kaitlyn being in town to get to go out and get drunk anyways last night. I can't stop drinking. It's the only constant I have in my life. It's how I make friends. It's how I keep happy. It's how I open up to people. I'm not in a place in my life that I can lose all that.... Anyways. Kaitlyn being in town was great. I missed having someone who will actually line dance with me! She just left for Chatt and now I'm with Alex and Hayley at the apartment just relaxing and waking up. :)

Oct 12 2011

You know. I miss blogging. I'm not sure I could ever catch back up from July. Dear God, So much has happened it's not even funny but just a couple things.

• Charlie and I do not speak. In fact if I get the opportunity to see that little prick again, EVER, I'll probably kill him. He stole David's guitar and my camera. He ruined my life by getting me into a whole hell of a lot of health problems. There is so much to that story I couldn't even begin to start telling that story but it's LONG over and I'm LONG over him and it. THANK GOD.
• I didn't move in with Hayley. She ended up moving in with her ex "Drunkass" who is another story I wish I had told, Ace and Gauges but they got kicked out recently and Drunkass after having his face beat in by me (That is a story I will HAVE to tell in a bit) went to jail for a bit. Gauges is moving from dorm to dorm on campus right now and Ace is living with some girl for the time being. Hayley is living in my back room until she can get back on her feet. I live with Asshole Brother, Alan and Jamie. We have a husky right now but not sure we are going to be able to keep him. I love my house!
• David and Jackie have been on again off again but are steady now and I'm SO happy they are together. She truly is good for him. On another note Michael and Kayla are on the off week of getting along and it's annoying. I love them both but I hate them together.

So let's move on to just now life. Andrew had made a reappearance in my life. I am sitting back watching him break my heart for a third time. I'm not even sure why I'm letting it happen. We went to Whiskey Dix last friday and he was way too nice from the beginning but around 11 when Tori left he bought me a Jack and Coke and sat down to talk to me. He apologized for everything... He told me I never deserved how he treated me before. We talked things out. It was nice. Then someone came up and told me that it wasn't very lady like to drop the f-bomb. I replied... "That's cause I'm not very lady like." To which Andrew responded... "And that's why she'll be my wife someday." Somehow we get into a fetish talk, master/slave things and move into boyfriend/girlfriend things. I'm still assuming he's just messing with me so I'm kinda blowing him off when he says, "If you want to try sometime... Let me know when you are sober." From that point on I was just waiting for him to break my heart... for the third time. He spend the night that night. We didn't have sex but I did give him head. We cuddled and he stayed till around 10am. He woke me up and we smoked before he left. When I woke up later I text him and this was basically the convo....

"Well, I'm sober now..."

"And..."

"Were you just drunk talking last night?"

"Nope."

"Look I'm not ready to go through this a third time. Please don't do this if you are just playing games."

"I'm not playing games with you."

And yet it's been 4 days and I've seen him since then and we've barely spoken and I've gotten just a hug goodbye. Am I being a girl? Or I am just prolonging this inevitable? I'm not sure but God knows I'll just keep waiting because I wont give up until I have to. I'm not sure what this guy has on me but it's driving me crazy!

And now to go drink my problems away... Wanna hear a secret? I'm an alcoholic. No really. I'm an honest to God, full blown, alcoholic. My friends are watching me spiral and I don't even think they have a clue how bad it's getting... Hmmm.