Some stories are simply too classic and funny and need to be told. They may be old and so not fit in my journal anymore or they may be someone else' story or for whatever reason, I can't recount it the best in my journal so this is probably going to be my favorite page for humor sake! :)
The Antwon Story:
I change all the names in my stories... Except for this one because I could never call Antwon anything but... Antwon. In [Jager]'s prime party days, David and I planned a party called the DIKY party. What is the number one excuse someone has to skip a party? "I wont know anyone." Well we took that and through it out the window. The point of this party was to NOT know people... "Do I Know You? Party" We invited everyone. The guy in the gas station, the girls at the pool, EVERYONE. To start, this party was pretty damn successful. We made SO many friends that night and had a great turnout of Randos. This is the night we met Antwon as well... Antwon stumbled into [Jager] 10 kinds of fucked up. He was kind of weird to begin with but it was the end of the night things went wrong. He was half passed out on my futon when David was clearing the house around 4:30am. David attempted to tell him "Hey dude... You gotta go." To which he got belligerent and said, "No! Ya'll go to go! I live here!" David attempted rationally at first to tell him no, Cassie does. Antwon starts spouting off that he lives in "College Grove Raiders Ridge 83341" Well Since those are two different apartment complexes and the numbers are three number apartments in which none of those numbers were where we were we realized just how drunk this guy was. David, Michael, and Kaitlyn eventually got him outside on the porch where he swung at David. David pinned him to the ground quickly and put him in an armbar informing him as legally bound he level four army combatives certified and Antwon's next step?
He starts BITING David's pants. Kaitlyn quickly becoming angry steps in at this point and punches Antwon who hits his head against the concrete. Eventually the cops show and the exchange between Antwon and the cops is priceless....
Cop 1: So you been drinking?
Antwon: Yeahhh.
Cop 1: Oh really what?
Antwon:You know... A little bit of dis and an little bit of dat.
Cop 2 walks up: Hey Antwon... How are you?
Antwon: Dude! You remember me?
Cop 2: Yeah... Just pulled you over for DUI last week.
Antwon: Yeah man. I remember you!
Cop 1: You been smoking, man?
Antwon. Yeahhhh
Cop 2: Oh Murfreesboro's Finest huh?
Antwon: I mean... It aint the besttt shittt.
It was beautiful... Simply beautiful. We've never seen Antwon since but he made for one of our favorite stories.
July 2011:
I get a call from Charlie after I we had ended things and we are still in the bitter, bitchy stage. He is drunk and wants me to come to the pool so John and I go. We get there and he is belligerent. My first words were, "Did you get drink yourself into oblivion attempting to forget how sad your life is again?" Okay so maybe this isn't the best way to start the afternoon but it only got funnier from there. Charlie is so drunk he is yelling "Fuck you all." and flipping me off and walking around the pool naked. It was pretty ridiculous. Eventually he calms down in an attempt to make me angry by hitting on the random girls at the pool. In an almost perfect karma moment one of the girls recognizes me and says "Cassie! We had math together." Perfect. Commence cock block. Step one: Let the girls in on a summer lesson. "If you meet an attractive guy alone, there is probably a reason and you should probably leave him there." It works and the girls realize Charlie is not as ideal as he comes off. In an attempt to regain their attention he tells them. "I'm a stripper, ya know?" To which I quote Tucker Max in amusement and say, "That's right. Dance for your dollar monkey, dance for you dollar." His feelings must be hurt because his defenses flair up. He says, "That's not even fucking funny. Just because I'm a stripper doesn't mean I'm less of a man." Not even a second passes and John turns to him and says, "Oh no just less of a person!" Attempting to fix it once more he told the girls, "They just hate me. People either love or hate me." John shut him down quickly saying, "No most people just just hate you. I don't even think you're mom loves you." The boy never recovered. Later when he was naked and walking around the pool as if anyone was impressed, being yelled at by Randos, John says "Someone get the stripper his pasties." I don't think his narcissistic ass really recovered. He ended up going to his apartment alone. Cassie: 1 Charlie: 0.
Crazy had asked me to lunch and a movie one day. Figuring this couldn't be that bad, I mean he is a fun guy I agreed. Wrong. His name is Crazy for a reason! We get to Toots after we almost die from his constant road rage at least six times on the way there. He tells me to pick where I want to sit. When I do he says he doesn't want to sit there. I assume as a joke and I tell him "Fine, You can sit where you want but you asked me to choose. I did. And I'm sitting here." He tells me that I will have to pay for myself if I sit alone. So I told him that if we had a male waiter I could do whatever I wanted. He sat with me and lucky for me... We got a male waiter. I giggled and he groaned. Crazy eventually ordered a salad and made a comment about tossing his salad. I said that he was disturbing and he said I was perverted and not everyone would think of it that way. When I argued he called the manager over to the table! He asked the manager if he said something about tossing his salad how he would take it. The manager said "Well that's obvious. You aren't talking about food." Crazy was proven wrong and I was thoroughly embarrassed. So the waiter came and took our food order and I used THAT voice. You know the one that you can tell someone is flirting? When the waiter walked away Crazy pointed out that I used the voice and I said well he has pretty brown eyes. Obviously having taken a self-esteem shot he said "No one has prettier brown eyes than me!" I laughed and we moved on in conversation. When the waiter came back and brought our food I was super sweet again and when he left I made sure to point on to Crazy that his eyes weren't even brown and I was just being a bitch. He started to get all huffy and then laughed. The day went a lot like that. He made inappropriate comments all day like when a woman spanked her child at the movie he said "I want to slit her throat." And when a guy got arrested in the theater he said " If I got arrested here I would blow the theater up." It was entertaining and annoying. Let's just say a date with Crazy is not in my future.
Well after the date Crazy bought a handle of Jack and a handle of Jager. We went to the pool and met up with a bunch of friends. Crazy got drunk and got pretty... crazy. He stripped naked and ran around the pool. While down there I ran into an old friend of mine, Hookup,and Crazy and Hookup immediately clashed. So bad that eventually drunk Crazy threatened to call people with guns on everyone. I freaked out and yelled at him. So Crazy ended up coming out as a Stage 5 clinger and bawling to John about me. In attempt to bail on the situation I left with Hookup to watch a movie. Crazy attempting to get over me goes back to the pool with John. Mind you John is mid break up and in total douche mode. So while Crazy is hitting on a Rando and a Fatty, John is telling them that they are a "good for nothing rib-stealing gender" and "nothing but life-support for a vagina." Eventually Crazy asked, "Are you trying to hit on girls or insult them?" John's only response..."What's the difference?"
Mission Bitch: Oh the sweet taste of revenge. After a talk with Jenna, She realized Charlie is not who he presents himself to be. So engage Mission Bitch. Jenna wanted to come swim but neither of us had cars at the time so I said ask Charlie to come get you then just bail on him. Play his game back to him. She said "That's mean... I'll do it." That was step one. He brought her over and she went up the his apartment where she said she would change and meet him at the pool. Within a minute I got a text, "Get your ass over here now. Let's get your shit and bail." And so we did... We snuck around the back so he couldn't see us from the pool and emptied his apartment of all the things I had there that he was holding hostage. Then we came back to my apartment having one capture the flag. It didn't take Charlie long to be on my porch hating us both but we had we needed and he was... alone. Mission Complete.
