15 Oct 2011

So... Exactly one week later Andrew and I were back at the exact same bar in a very different world. He needs more time. He's in a bad place. He wants me to be happy. What. The. Hell. I want to be like fuck this, Not what I signed up for except somewhere inside me I care too much to do that. He is the guy from the beginning that messes with my emotional balance. Starting a year ago pretty much to now at the toga party, then again in April around Bid Day and now all over again. So I'm not sure how this works this time except I'm not giving up so easily this time around. Last night he told me to be like every other girlfriend he's had and start hating him now and from that I managed to start caring more. FML. But in the middle of my drunken emotional mess last night I turned my anger and sadness with Andrew around and did that whole mistake thing. I slept with Benji literally because I didn't want to be alone and he knew it. It was mutally using each other. It kinda of helped. It kinda hurt more. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore...

Anyways for the home side of life.... I'm "grounded". Remember when I said my friends are watching me downward spiral into alcoholism, well someone finally notice and while I realize she just cares about me... I don't respond well to control. Jamie has decided that I have a problem and I am not allowed to drink until next wednesday when I go out with her. On that night I can have 5 beers, if I don't agree. I will be locked out of my house. So to that... I used Kaitlyn being in town to get to go out and get drunk anyways last night. I can't stop drinking. It's the only constant I have in my life. It's how I make friends. It's how I keep happy. It's how I open up to people. I'm not in a place in my life that I can lose all that.... Anyways. Kaitlyn being in town was great. I missed having someone who will actually line dance with me! She just left for Chatt and now I'm with Alex and Hayley at the apartment just relaxing and waking up. :)