Well interesting 24 hours.... The last party at the frat castle finally happened. It was fun. I think everyone that's really a part of "summer crew" was there. I got one beer in before someone offered me molly. I had to take it. I was rolling so much. It was so much fun. I talked to EVERYONE and had more conversations and met more people than I ever would have or would have remembered if I was drinking. Some girl threatened to call the cops because she lost her keys and swore someone stole them so the party kinda ended abruptly around 2am. We all ditched for my apartments for hot tub party... Which is great when rolling anyways. Everyone came out and it was really fun. Charlie got all "Please come upstairs with me" so I did and since I'm rolling my balls off making out was just far too fun to avoid and we'll just say my oral fixation definitely kept Charlie pleased. Sex was reallly nice on Molly, too bad he came early and I was bored. I dipsetted for a few to check the pool back out but the drunk ones had caused drama and the rolling ones were too chill to be fun by 4am. So I went back upstairs to watch Sucker Punch. That was a mind trip for sure but a GREAT movie. I dipset in the morning and hung out with some random people throughout the day like the girl Charlie is currently messing with, Mouse and my new favorite gay man, X's cousin ( Calvin). We hung out by the pool a lot. Then later in the night David's brother (B3) came over with beer. So we hit the hot tub with X, Calvin, Charlie, Mouse, MaryJane, John, Jason, Steven & gf, and Voice. We played circle of death around the hot tub. It was great. At some point Charlie invited me to come play board games with him, Mouse, X, and Calvin but I was having fun with friends. Somewhere in the bailing on him to play that and watch True Blood is when I gave my boy toy to Mouse. She's a cute girl, kinda boring, but hell if she is okay with being used and he is going to smile for a couple days till he gets bored... more power to them. :) I was getting what I wanted from him far to easily anyways. After the hot tub X and I went to B3's house and smoked some Vampire's Blood. We were so high it was ridiculous! We were all on the swing and X has her arms around me and B3 pulling us talking something like this....
"Dude... Doesn't it feel like we're on a boat? Like we're just going through the water. Like on swamp people. We could be swamp people. With that guy that is on the front of the boat with meth teeth but he's only like 19 and he says something like "I'm Billy Bob and I'm a..." What do they call themselves? Cajun! That's it.... They eat weird things there. Like frog legs. Mmmm. Frog legs. What if they fried the frog legs. Maybe they'd be better? We could dip them in honey mustard... Bet they don't do that in Louisiana!"
She was insane! We hung out for a bit then came back to my apartments and I took a pillow and blanket up to Calvin and tossed Charlie his key... Game over for FWB. :) Back at my place MaryJane was reallllyyy drunk which was fun cause I was so high I was geeking out! It was crazy. I laughed about literally everything. I was convinced my carpet was blue. Yeahh. I passed out around 7 and had to be at work at 1. Didn't get there till 2 but I of course blamed having ride issues. So while I got in trouble it's not bad. I need a car and a real job though! I have an interview tomorrow as a nanny. I REALLY hope I get it! :) Well now I need to relax and pass out early because tomorrow is job hunting day with Mary Jane. Ugh. Oh well. I'm turning this life around. I need a job, money, a place to live, and some friends who deserve my attention!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
15 July 2011
Ugh. Here I go forgetting to journal again. Well I'll just do a couple recaps instead of a full blog today...
- Charlie and I have fallen back into old times this time with no expectations I think. It's confusing but just kind of comfortable.
- I am moving in with Hayley in Sept. John kind of screwed up and her over with a place to stay but I'm attempting to be forgiving which is not one of my biggest strengths.
- Alan is back in town... THANK GOD. I went to the bar with him, Andrew, Moose, and Asshole Brother and it was JUST like old times. I woke up in his bed (no we didn't sleep together... we aren't like that) and I just smiled thinking... I missed this!!
- David and Jackie broke up which means things are back to old David and Cassie! :) I love my best friend.
- David and Charlie are too close... Its annoying. David thinks Charlie can be interim Micheal and I disagree. I think Charlie isn't enough of a man to be Michael while Michael is in Afghanistan but he's been nicer to be and we all have fun so I'll let it go for now.
- We accomplished the BIGGEST M.O.M. of our lives... David, Charlie and I, with the help of X pulled a pretty epic night off but so much so I can't even post it on an anonymous blog! :)
- The last frat castle party is Sat!!! I hope it's HUGE!!!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
7 July 2011
So for the first time in my life I had someone ask to be re-evaluated. haha. Which is only funny because his score was a 9.5 to begin with. Do you honestly believe you are perfection dear? He was just ticked off that Adam had a better score but I can't help that Adam is better than Charlie. He bet me money that he was better than Adam. I don't think I'll get the money but I am re-evaluating. He's good... That was never in question but he's still not better than Adam. Sorry trick. :) It was a fun time though. The anger I have towards him just meant I wasn't nice. I said what I thought and I didn't hold back. I tore him to shreds about being a stripper, I told him he was a sociopath and no one really cared about him. It was just bad. But the bitchier I was the more it turned him on for some reason. I eventually went upstairs for something with him and just to spite his shy comments threw him on the bed, literally, and kissed him. We had sex and then went downstairs. We didn't speak at the pool after that. In fact if anything I became simply ruder and ruder and told him I didn't want him near me unless his mouth was shut and his penis hard. Eventually we went back upstairs and had sex... again. Then we went back to the pool and I made sure to be a total flirt. Luckily there were plenty of people around to ignore him for. Hookup, the girls from the day before with Charlie, a Rando I kissed, and a new guy, 24 who is super into me. We met 24 at the pool recently and last night he had a convo with John about me...
24:I hope she remembers me in the morning.
John:Well she will.
24:I like her. She's super cool and nice and respects what I say.
John:Yeah. She is a good girl. She has a wild streak but is fun and pretty responsible when she has to be.
24:That's good. She is cool in my book.
etc.etc.etc.
I feel bad. He's a nice guy... Which is probably what the problem is. John later had to convince him I would remember him today and that I was not upstairs having sex with Charlie. Oh geez. My life is fun. John is going to transcribe the story for me of the whole night because I don't have all the details in my whiskey soaked brain. But it will be called the night shot for shot almost killed me. I did win though! This fratastic girl kicked the poor sociopath's ass and I won't let him forget it. :) Anyways it was an interesting night and I can't wait to post this one as a story.
24:I hope she remembers me in the morning.
John:Well she will.
24:I like her. She's super cool and nice and respects what I say.
John:Yeah. She is a good girl. She has a wild streak but is fun and pretty responsible when she has to be.
24:That's good. She is cool in my book.
etc.etc.etc.
I feel bad. He's a nice guy... Which is probably what the problem is. John later had to convince him I would remember him today and that I was not upstairs having sex with Charlie. Oh geez. My life is fun. John is going to transcribe the story for me of the whole night because I don't have all the details in my whiskey soaked brain. But it will be called the night shot for shot almost killed me. I did win though! This fratastic girl kicked the poor sociopath's ass and I won't let him forget it. :) Anyways it was an interesting night and I can't wait to post this one as a story.
4 July 2011
I think this is one of those times in life when you have to decide if you are going to let things spiral or pick up the pieces and change your life. The problem is the easy route is to spiral. No one would notice. You would just because a party girl slowly losing real friend and not even noticing. I say I never cared about Charlie. I'm even damn good at letting him think he was simply a fuck buddy but the truth is he hurt me and he's the first guy I opened up to enough to let me hurt me. I feel like those walls I let him knock down are back and reinforced. I feel like I'm losing my best friends too. When I realized the house I worked so hard to get with Alan, SH2, and Asshole Brother fell through because I am basically a fuck up and can't get my shit together financially I was upset but realizing they are neighbors now with my best friend David and they are all getting closer while I fall apart just kind of sucks. I wonder if I'll ever get me back? [Jager] and the people I had back then seem so far away. It wasn't just a party group. Those were my real friends, honestly my family and I don't think I have that anymore... I feel like I'm sitting back and watching my life crumble around me. What do I do from here? Who do I cling to? I don't know anymore and the more I drink the less I care... So which road do I take? I almost don't feel like the choice is in my hands anymore.
1 July 2011
Where to even start... Can I start near the end and work my way back? Last night I ended up sitting on the roof of my apartment complex drunk and crying having a cop pull me off the roof. Now to back track...
Charlie was supposed to pick me up from my trip home last week at 2am at the bus stop. We had plans to "make up for lost time" :) When I got off the bus Cassie, Charlie, Jenna, and my kitten were at the bus stop... Weird but cool. That's sweet I guess. I thought maybe I was just being bitchy by feeling disappointed it wasn't just Charlie. I mean they did think to bring the cat! A minute into the car ride I realized Charlie and Jenna are rolling and Jenna wont. shut. up. Charlie was still really sweet though, he kept asking me if I was okay and how my trip was. When we got back Jenna needed a ride home so Charlie took her. I thought, "Cool he'll be back and awake all night! I'll get to spend time with him." Well by 6 am I was pretty worried especially with a storm coming in that was pretty bad. I fell asleep eventually and Charlie came home around 11am. No explanation. Just a sorry, hun. I had some errands to run and when I got back I had work. After work I went back to his place and he said he was going to dinner with him mom and would be right back. He came back drunk around 10pm. Got the cat and beer and said I'm going to get cigarettes. Guess what time he showed back up? 10am. I packed my things and left. I said I needed a break. We ran into him at the pool later in the day and it was kind of awkward but whatever. Well by that night I decided to go out with Kayla and drink. Leave Charlie for a night and let him have some space. When I left he was drinking with Jacob, Jenna, MaryJane, Jason, John, and some Randos. On my way home I get a call that says "Don't go to Charlie's he is fucking Jenna. The night he left drunk and came back at 10am he was at her place watching a movie." Well I was about 20 beers in and approaching devastated drunk. I walked right into Charlie's and knocked on his bedroom door. He said come in and him and Jenna are in the bed under the covers, mind you fully dressed. Well at this point I realized I'm too drunk to deal with this so I turn around and walk out. I text Jenna and say "You thought I wouldn't find out?" and she flips screaming she didn't do anything and throws the phone at the wall. Charlie then proceeds to text me this.... "Your mad when you fucked some one when you were gone ha You made your choices i made mine" I just about lost it. First of all. I told MORE than one person I couldn't do anything while I was home because I was talking to a guy back home I actually cared about. He knew about these guys because I TOLD him about them. But on the flip side Jenna is still trying to convince me nothing is going on. Anyway after a night of crying let's fast forward to the next day. Passive Aggression is what I do best. Starting with making friends with Jenna no matter what so that Charlie ends up screwed in the end. So I ask Jenna to talk things through. I mean we are old sorority sisters and friends long before this "stupid guy". So we talk things out and make plans for the bar! We had a great night out and met up with a bunch of friends. I honestly had fun. Made up with an old friend who admitted she was wrong to me, etc. But Charlie was blowing Jenna's phone up telling her to come spend the night with him. [[Okay foot note. Jenna is in a semi-relationship with an old fling of mine Brad. He is in Afganistan right now and she swears she is in love with him so this whole situation shouldn't exist anyway.]] He text me at one point and said "so where the hell is jen." Well being drunk and honest I respond "with me. she doesn't actually want you. you are gonna break you're own heart just like you did with T. She will pick Brad in the end." His response? "how about you choke and die lol or better yet continued being a slut." Well Jenna was playing a cute game of showing me the rude texts then being sweet when I couldn't read it which I figured out when she got pulled over on the way home and had to pass a sobriety test. Oh and the nice officer who talked to me hit on me! Guys are stupid. So we get back to my place and Charlie shows up at MY house looking for Jenna. What a prick. So we all decided to finally go get my things that were still at his place. On the way I made a crack about once I have my things I can just go choke and die and then some bitchy comment to Jenna about being with him after all of this. She got upset and stormed off. Charlie went after her. I went to sit on his porch and wait. Well at some point I hear them laughing. Get really upset and crawl onto the roof. A bit later I crawl back off the roof to knock and see if the new love birds will let me get my things. No answer. Knock louder. No answer. Palm strike the door. Shit. That is metal fucking door! So now I have a fucked up hand (which today is swollen bruised and hard to bend.) I crawl back on the roof and start bawling. I am about to pass out when a cop comes and pulls me off the roof. While I was on the roof I had text Kaitlyn and told her I was depressed and on the roof so she is freaking out. The cop escorts me home where I pass out on the floor crying. Kaitlyn shows up freaking out on me. When she walks to the back room I take off out the door again. Still not wanting to deal with life. She catches me in the middle of the road where I melt down. I start bawling and can barely stand. She gets me back inside and makes me a bed. After she leaves MaryJane takes me to get much needed cigarettes. I have never in my life felt so broken and lost. Between my money/living situation, my mom, and now Charlie I am surprised I made it through the night to be honest. But today is a new day and after a reality slap from my best friend David, who is the only who could say the things he did to me today and not send me spiraling more, I am going to making some changes. Starting with finding who my real friends are. Not just my party friends but the ones who ACTUALLY care. Ones like David, Michael, Kayla, John and just a couple others. There aren't many but I'll take them over the 50 fake ones. Oh and I'm gonna party less, hang out with friends more! Quit smoking, and focus on finding a real job. It's one of those make or break points in life. This isn't high school anymore. Time to grow up and find out who I really am...
Charlie was supposed to pick me up from my trip home last week at 2am at the bus stop. We had plans to "make up for lost time" :) When I got off the bus Cassie, Charlie, Jenna, and my kitten were at the bus stop... Weird but cool. That's sweet I guess. I thought maybe I was just being bitchy by feeling disappointed it wasn't just Charlie. I mean they did think to bring the cat! A minute into the car ride I realized Charlie and Jenna are rolling and Jenna wont. shut. up. Charlie was still really sweet though, he kept asking me if I was okay and how my trip was. When we got back Jenna needed a ride home so Charlie took her. I thought, "Cool he'll be back and awake all night! I'll get to spend time with him." Well by 6 am I was pretty worried especially with a storm coming in that was pretty bad. I fell asleep eventually and Charlie came home around 11am. No explanation. Just a sorry, hun. I had some errands to run and when I got back I had work. After work I went back to his place and he said he was going to dinner with him mom and would be right back. He came back drunk around 10pm. Got the cat and beer and said I'm going to get cigarettes. Guess what time he showed back up? 10am. I packed my things and left. I said I needed a break. We ran into him at the pool later in the day and it was kind of awkward but whatever. Well by that night I decided to go out with Kayla and drink. Leave Charlie for a night and let him have some space. When I left he was drinking with Jacob, Jenna, MaryJane, Jason, John, and some Randos. On my way home I get a call that says "Don't go to Charlie's he is fucking Jenna. The night he left drunk and came back at 10am he was at her place watching a movie." Well I was about 20 beers in and approaching devastated drunk. I walked right into Charlie's and knocked on his bedroom door. He said come in and him and Jenna are in the bed under the covers, mind you fully dressed. Well at this point I realized I'm too drunk to deal with this so I turn around and walk out. I text Jenna and say "You thought I wouldn't find out?" and she flips screaming she didn't do anything and throws the phone at the wall. Charlie then proceeds to text me this.... "Your mad when you fucked some one when you were gone ha You made your choices i made mine" I just about lost it. First of all. I told MORE than one person I couldn't do anything while I was home because I was talking to a guy back home I actually cared about. He knew about these guys because I TOLD him about them. But on the flip side Jenna is still trying to convince me nothing is going on. Anyway after a night of crying let's fast forward to the next day. Passive Aggression is what I do best. Starting with making friends with Jenna no matter what so that Charlie ends up screwed in the end. So I ask Jenna to talk things through. I mean we are old sorority sisters and friends long before this "stupid guy". So we talk things out and make plans for the bar! We had a great night out and met up with a bunch of friends. I honestly had fun. Made up with an old friend who admitted she was wrong to me, etc. But Charlie was blowing Jenna's phone up telling her to come spend the night with him. [[Okay foot note. Jenna is in a semi-relationship with an old fling of mine Brad. He is in Afganistan right now and she swears she is in love with him so this whole situation shouldn't exist anyway.]] He text me at one point and said "so where the hell is jen." Well being drunk and honest I respond "with me. she doesn't actually want you. you are gonna break you're own heart just like you did with T. She will pick Brad in the end." His response? "how about you choke and die lol or better yet continued being a slut." Well Jenna was playing a cute game of showing me the rude texts then being sweet when I couldn't read it which I figured out when she got pulled over on the way home and had to pass a sobriety test. Oh and the nice officer who talked to me hit on me! Guys are stupid. So we get back to my place and Charlie shows up at MY house looking for Jenna. What a prick. So we all decided to finally go get my things that were still at his place. On the way I made a crack about once I have my things I can just go choke and die and then some bitchy comment to Jenna about being with him after all of this. She got upset and stormed off. Charlie went after her. I went to sit on his porch and wait. Well at some point I hear them laughing. Get really upset and crawl onto the roof. A bit later I crawl back off the roof to knock and see if the new love birds will let me get my things. No answer. Knock louder. No answer. Palm strike the door. Shit. That is metal fucking door! So now I have a fucked up hand (which today is swollen bruised and hard to bend.) I crawl back on the roof and start bawling. I am about to pass out when a cop comes and pulls me off the roof. While I was on the roof I had text Kaitlyn and told her I was depressed and on the roof so she is freaking out. The cop escorts me home where I pass out on the floor crying. Kaitlyn shows up freaking out on me. When she walks to the back room I take off out the door again. Still not wanting to deal with life. She catches me in the middle of the road where I melt down. I start bawling and can barely stand. She gets me back inside and makes me a bed. After she leaves MaryJane takes me to get much needed cigarettes. I have never in my life felt so broken and lost. Between my money/living situation, my mom, and now Charlie I am surprised I made it through the night to be honest. But today is a new day and after a reality slap from my best friend David, who is the only who could say the things he did to me today and not send me spiraling more, I am going to making some changes. Starting with finding who my real friends are. Not just my party friends but the ones who ACTUALLY care. Ones like David, Michael, Kayla, John and just a couple others. There aren't many but I'll take them over the 50 fake ones. Oh and I'm gonna party less, hang out with friends more! Quit smoking, and focus on finding a real job. It's one of those make or break points in life. This isn't high school anymore. Time to grow up and find out who I really am...
Friday, July 1, 2011
June 2011
4 June 2011
I really wish I could keep up all my adventures but I'm too ADD! Coty is in town so we've been partying alot. Big 90's party last night. I blacked out the whole night. I'm pretty sure I was rufied but no one believes me. Here is what I have pieced together. I had two mixed drinks and then took something I thought was going to be X from a Rando but instead of rolling I continued drinking... A LOT. Then pinned Kayla down on a couch making out with her. Then I continued drinking and finally had what was practically sex with Charlie on the couch for everyone to see. Then I passed out relatively early. And this morning... I don't remember a single thing from all of that! Oh and Andrew says I passed out in his bed at some point and refused to get out. He says he had to yell at me and I almost cried. haha. Today he has called me "Little Miss Rufie" all day. Erk. Today we all drank and swam at David's. It was fun. Oh and I had probation yesterday- It suckked! $550 in fines to get me off the hook. :( I NEED a better job. Well Cassie, Mike, John, and I are watching Donnie Darko and probably are gonna pass out early so we can roll tomorrow. So for now- That is all!
Oh oh oh! Almost forgot! I met FetishBoy off of FetLife... One he's too cute. Two we had fun. ;) We drove around the 'boro and ended up at my little sister's school. We made out and I learned he's into ageplay so I got a spanking. Not that I minded... ;) But yeah- Good first meeting!
Oh yeah! And David gavie me his old iPhone so I have a phone again! It fucks up a lot but it's definitely better than nothing!
Oh oh oh! Almost forgot! I met FetishBoy off of FetLife... One he's too cute. Two we had fun. ;) We drove around the 'boro and ended up at my little sister's school. We made out and I learned he's into ageplay so I got a spanking. Not that I minded... ;) But yeah- Good first meeting!
Oh yeah! And David gavie me his old iPhone so I have a phone again! It fucks up a lot but it's definitely better than nothing!
5 June 2011
Cassie and I aren't doing shit today. Talking sex and being girls. Making our lists. haha. Mike and I slept in the basement and he tried SO hard! Definitely didn't happen. He kept saying "Can I just touch your boobs?" haha Silly 17 year olds. We may roll tonight but don't know yet.
10 June 2011
So I've been talking to Adam again- I really like him but Taylor doesn't and I trust her opinion. she met him on a bad night. I hope. He was drunk and high and hanging out with two 16 year old girls. My only problem with him is how into drugs he is. I don't want that constantly in my life. I guess we'll have to see. Fuckface Brother and I got into a HUGE fight this week. He got kicked out (temporarily) for threatening me. Oh and while stressed last night Chris decided to "test" me- He pretended to pass out drunk on the concrete. I apparently "failed" due to my annoyance but I did walk half a mile to a bar to find friends just in case. Brad stayed with me last night because I had a rough night- It was so comfortable. He comforted me in a way no one ever can. Simply being in his arms; but when we made out there just isn't any chemistry. That's the difference between Charlie and Brad. Charlie turns me on, excites me, and challenges me. While Brad makes me feel safe and comfortable. Well my boss is here so I'm headed to the Duck Race to advertise for work.
[[Sidenote: MTSU adopted smoke-free campus. I'm quitting school not smoking! :) TFM]]
Oh and I adopted a new catch phrase from David's 21st birthday when we went out to Whiskey Dix. The girl at the door kept telling me I needed to pay and I already had my wrist band so I finally got mad and yelled "Bitch LEAVE ME BE!" haha.
[[Sidenote: MTSU adopted smoke-free campus. I'm quitting school not smoking! :) TFM]]
Oh and I adopted a new catch phrase from David's 21st birthday when we went out to Whiskey Dix. The girl at the door kept telling me I needed to pay and I already had my wrist band so I finally got mad and yelled "Bitch LEAVE ME BE!" haha.
17 June 2011
So maybe Taylor was right... Charlie isn't a bad guy- he's just messed up. He's so broken. He has ASPD which I did some research on and explains-a lot. The impulsive, reckless behavior and the disregard for social norms and laws. I really care about him and the past two wees have been nonstop Charlie and I (Well and Cow ) :) I sleep here. He calls me babe and hun. Obviously we have sex- good sex at that. I even cleaned for his yesterday. But I also know he is still "trying to figure things out" with T. Who's T? Oh only his mom's co-worker who is six years older than him and married. Yeah, No big! UGH!! Anyways I told him until he told me to go away I was staying with him and he said that was good. I could... okay probably am setting myself up for heartbreak but I need to... FML! Well yesterday was David's 21st so I went to BuffAsian's to drink with him. We went to Whiskey Dix and thanks for having no ID the cop had to verify my age but I still had to take just X's!! Sober at the club on my best friend's 21st was so not cool! Well I'm laying in Charlies's bed- he's at Walmart getting computer speakers. I have work at 2:30- not sure what's going on tonight though. Oh and joy I get to go see T for my rent. Yay! FML. Well I'm simply enjoying my time with Charlie until it's gone. :/
He's back and P.S. if he wasn't so fucking hot this would be SO much easier!
PSS On a brighter note- we got the Medford Campbel house. :)
He's back and P.S. if he wasn't so fucking hot this would be SO much easier!
PSS On a brighter note- we got the Medford Campbel house. :)
19 June 2011
" Why is the wind always present? Doesn't it take a day off? I did in school."
-John-
"Why are you punching me? I'm a fridge! (While punching the fridge.)"
-Charlie-
"I'm out of my tree. Jacob and I are spider mokeys. We go tree to tree. A vampire spider monkey."
-Charlie-
"Double the nothing. You can't do that."
-Jacob-
-John-
"Why are you punching me? I'm a fridge! (While punching the fridge.)"
-Charlie-
"I'm out of my tree. Jacob and I are spider mokeys. We go tree to tree. A vampire spider monkey."
-Charlie-
"Double the nothing. You can't do that."
-Jacob-
Yeah... They are on acid. Charlie is going back and forth on being sweet and a total dick. He keeps telling me how awesome and hot he his and that I'm weird (in a good way) and too shy. Mandrew just text me to tell me is his dtf. And is Charlie is all pissed. Cute since he is in love with T it shouldn't matter. Kinda wish I could be good enough but then I again maybe this freedom is just more fun.... Hmmm. More later.
Father's day cookout was great! We had a DJ come to the pool and we cooked out and drank! I drank beer and jager with my dad. Too cool. :)
20 June 2011
I think I'm clinically insane! Why do I stay here? Well because when I get my things and leave he gets sweet and says "please come back". It's 4:15 and he's still passed out. There is so much that works with Adam and I but so much wrong. Acid? Why am I around this? He's still hiding so much - including his relationship/feelings for a married woman way older than us! I'm so confused and conflicted! Well today is the fraternity's father's day cookout. Dad is coming! That'll take my mind off things for awhile.Father's day cookout was great! We had a DJ come to the pool and we cooked out and drank! I drank beer and jager with my dad. Too cool. :)
22 June 2011
Oh yeah. Time to catch up. So last night was my last night with Charlie before this trip and to say it was eventful is an understatement! Okay so Charlie's old roommate, Bitch, got an eviction notice two months ago and simply never came back. So last week Charlie broke in and rummaged the remains of her things which is perfectly legal- if she had actually been evicted! Well last night I worked both jobs which meant by the time I got home Charlie, Jacob, and SlutFriend were finishing round 13 of shot for shot. They had hit devastated. And of course that means beer run. lol When we got back we decided to go swimming and Cassie and John came. Despite the pool being rather crowded, SlutFriend winded up naked in the pool, screaming and doing flips. Well Cassie needed to charge her phone so we ran upstairs just in time for Bitch to bust in freaking out about her things. She told me to tell Charlie she's calling the cops so I ran to get him. He tried to apologize but Bitch was too mad to listen to anyone or anything. Charlie was freaking out about jail and his job and mom and where we would move, I did my best to comfort him. On the flip side SlutFriend and Jacob still very drunk came back about this time. It didn't take long for SlutFriend to dipset but Jacob got an underage. He was so belligerent he kept telling the cop he smelled bacon and asking for a cigarette. It took a long time but they gave Charlie no citation and took a polics report telling him "If her things magically appear in front of the door by tomorrow ya know... It could help, a lot!" He gave all her things back so we'll see how it goes. Yesterday I had to take Luna/ Cow so Charlie didn't get in more trouble. She ran errands with me most of the day but while Charlie and I went to McDonalds I left her at my apartment. In that 30 minutes Amanda found her and turned me in. Luckily, she turned me in to L. (You know, Charlie's mom?) who blew her off knowing I was just helping Charlie. :) Well I said my byes to Charlie, John, Jacob, etc. and then it was time for the hard one- Michael When I get back from my trip he will already be deployed. Luckily Michael's cavalier attitude keeps any situation a little easier! lol I got a huge Michael hug- I'm on the brink of tears when he pulls back, grins, and says "Bye. See you in a year!" haha We took a picture and then one more hug and that was that. Of course writing about him has me wanting to cry but let's hold it together a bit longer. So then it was cassieventure time! What's next? Nashville for the NKOTBSB concert! And Oh. My. God. I think I'm 13 again! I am not ashamed of my love for boy bands. :) It was much needed and so much fun! We left the back after and got to see Nick Carter! Then Cassie took me to the bus station. My bus is an hour behind and I've slept most of the trip so far but I'm almost to Wythville, VA now. I am stressed but that story is just going to have to come later.
25 June 2011
I guess I should probably write daily and not have to go on three page writing sprees. Eh. Oh well. The bus trip was LONG and I made a cute friend named Noah. He's 26 and we talked the whole trip- We even got in trouble by the bus driver like kids. When I got close to Richmond they told me we were running late so I missed my connection and would have to sit at the station from 7pm to 3am. So I called Alicia and Cameron and they came to get me. First stop? 7-11 for a Slurpee! We got to Alicia's and I showered and had dinner and then... slept in a bed. Ahh. Nice- Although I missed having Charlie beside me!
Day one:
I woke up and Faith came and got me- we took off for VA beach. we walked about a mile at the waters edge then took the board walk back. I got and "I love Virginia Beach" bracelet and a shot glass. I realized Faith is one of the few people I grew up with who didn't stay all straight edge. She has tried E, acid, and shrooms and she's an avid smoker. Someone I can relate to even though I don't do much of any of that. I guess that makes us the "bad kids". :) After the beach we went to get her bf and then went to a couple hippie stores. They took me to this amazing piece store where I got Charlie this cute purple piece. I sent him a picture and he loved it. :) After she took me back to Alicia's, Maddie came over. I got ready and then Alicia, Cameron, Maddie and I went to Saddle Ridge. Three red-headed sluts, four beers, and a fish bowl later- I was drunk! We sang karaoke and dance and rode the mechanical bull! :) It was a great night but then it was definitely bed time.
Day two:
I woke up a little later day two. Then met Robert at Walmart. He took up to Popeyes and got me dinner then red box to get "The Dilemma". We went to his place to watch it. It was hilarious! Then we went down to Buckroe and walked around until the storm shut the beach down. :/ I got to see the new dock though. He attempted to drive me back to Alicia's and we got lost.
Day one:
I woke up and Faith came and got me- we took off for VA beach. we walked about a mile at the waters edge then took the board walk back. I got and "I love Virginia Beach" bracelet and a shot glass. I realized Faith is one of the few people I grew up with who didn't stay all straight edge. She has tried E, acid, and shrooms and she's an avid smoker. Someone I can relate to even though I don't do much of any of that. I guess that makes us the "bad kids". :) After the beach we went to get her bf and then went to a couple hippie stores. They took me to this amazing piece store where I got Charlie this cute purple piece. I sent him a picture and he loved it. :) After she took me back to Alicia's, Maddie came over. I got ready and then Alicia, Cameron, Maddie and I went to Saddle Ridge. Three red-headed sluts, four beers, and a fish bowl later- I was drunk! We sang karaoke and dance and rode the mechanical bull! :) It was a great night but then it was definitely bed time.
Day two:
I woke up a little later day two. Then met Robert at Walmart. He took up to Popeyes and got me dinner then red box to get "The Dilemma". We went to his place to watch it. It was hilarious! Then we went down to Buckroe and walked around until the storm shut the beach down. :/ I got to see the new dock though. He attempted to drive me back to Alicia's and we got lost.
26 June 2011
So we ended up in Newport News - Came back. Ended up in Newport News again- came back and finally found it! When I got back I was "in trouble". I had a video from Saddle of Alicia riding the bull- I saw nothing wrong with it. So when I posted the pictures - I posted that video too. Well Husband got mad at Alicia so Alicia got mad at me. I thought it was stupid so I had Faith come get me. We got our free stamp into Saddle then went to Cole's to pregame. Faith, Cole, Me, Kim, and VTgirl did a few shots, drank a couple beers and played cornhole. It was funny 'cause when I got there Cole asked me to do a shot but since Kim was there I was hesitant but she says "I know you drink! I'm on your facebook!" All I could do is laugh and take the shot which was given up to me. :) Then around 10:30 we took off for Saddle. Between Cole, Faith and the randos who were amused by how bad my accent gets when I drink I had more than my fair share of drinks. It was a lot of fun! We dance and rode the bull (Oh no... I must be a slut.) and just had a blasty blast. :) That is until I realized just how drunk I was. I went to the bathroom to shit and security eventually came in and helped me up and out to find my friends. When I went to look outside the door man asked "Is she done?" Well I'm not stupid I just grinned and said "Oh I'm done!" then the security said I wasn't aloud back in. I sat down outside and ended up throwing up everywhere! I would have swore I was getting arrested but the cop just looked at me for the next 20 minutes. Oddly enough people kept coming to talk to me too! Some girl sat with me and some guy gave me his number! Eventually everyone came out looking for me. Cole was pretty drunk and kept asking who got us kicked out. Faith took me back to her place, I showered and passed out!
Day three:
When I woke up Faith and I sat on her balcony overlooking Willoughby Spit and talked. I love that place. The water, the docks, it's definitely still home to my heart. Faith and I have a friendship that lasted and it was really great. She eventually took me back to Alicia's where it was time to get ready for her bridal shower/cookout. I know I was short and distant but I was still upset over the bullshit from the day before. The cookout was was really nice. I saw the rest of the Alicia's family and a few others I recognized. Rando remembered me and I talked to her a lot. Everyone got pretty drunk but I didn't. I did kick ass at flip up with my new friend Blue (He had gorgeous blue eyes and I was tipsy enough to have no qualms about tell him so). I also finally got to see Hawaiian. One crush that just never ended. :) Hmm... Well mid party Charlie called- very drunk and very depressed. T broke his heart... not that it isn't his own damn fault. I'm at a loss with Charlie. I care about him and he's SO broken. Is he even good for though? I don't know what to do in this situation. He literally begged me to come back and told me I could live with him if I wouldn't run away from my problems. Ugh.
Day four:
So then there was today-Sunday. Kim and B picked me up for church. Calvary was- Calvary. Refreshing and much needed. Pastor gave a great message. CJ prayed with me and I cried. I would I could say I know what to do from here or I was going to have some huge life changing moment but I don't and I probably wont. I'm still angry and tired and just cold. I'm angry with my mom for everything she put me through, with my dad for being so passive, with Monkey for being the "loved" daughter, and even with God. I want to scream or cry... or both. But more on that later... I'm too emotionaly drained to deal with all that. I said lots of hello/goodbye's after church. Then Cole took me to his house. It was great being with his family I love Kim so much-She really is like a second mother to me. B walked in frm the store and said, "I need to do a shot with you." So Cole, B, and I took a shot of Fighting Cock-Ew. B said, "I heard you can drink whiskey like water." haha. It made me smile, wonder what life would have been like if stayed, and wish I had a family like this. Then Cole, Kim and I started painting the kitchen "cowpile/slip" yellow. It was a lot of fun. Cole kept saying he was getting asbestos in his eye. J is 14 now and huge! He's taller than me... Then an old friend from church came over to see me and that was really nice. Not too long after that Alicia came and picked me up. We went to Target, Victoria's Secret, and The Sports Fan. (They sell Patriots things here!) When we got back to Alicia's I passed out on the couch. he woke me up and told me I had to go with her to get Husband but I just wanted to be alone. So I walked down to the water's edge and started writing. I told Alicia if I moved down here it probably wouldn't be with her and learned what I suspected- Husband doesn't like me much. Which is fine, I guess. He seems nice enough- He just doesn't accept different well and I don't fit in his box of "right" or "normal". So I'm sitting by the water in love with the view trying to figure my life out. I'm 21, being evicted, not sure how I'm finishing college, lost in my view of God, and feeling pretty alone. So what do I do? Do I stay in TN and make it on my own? Do I move towards family and rely on them to get me back on my feet? Or do I come home? I have a church, my second family, Cole and Faith. So many decisions to be made! I'm gonna look at ODU's photogrpahy program and talk to MTSU's financial adivsors. I'm going to pro and con everything little thing and pray till I'm blue. Something has to make sense eventually.
Clearing up old things:
Day three:
When I woke up Faith and I sat on her balcony overlooking Willoughby Spit and talked. I love that place. The water, the docks, it's definitely still home to my heart. Faith and I have a friendship that lasted and it was really great. She eventually took me back to Alicia's where it was time to get ready for her bridal shower/cookout. I know I was short and distant but I was still upset over the bullshit from the day before. The cookout was was really nice. I saw the rest of the Alicia's family and a few others I recognized. Rando remembered me and I talked to her a lot. Everyone got pretty drunk but I didn't. I did kick ass at flip up with my new friend Blue (He had gorgeous blue eyes and I was tipsy enough to have no qualms about tell him so). I also finally got to see Hawaiian. One crush that just never ended. :) Hmm... Well mid party Charlie called- very drunk and very depressed. T broke his heart... not that it isn't his own damn fault. I'm at a loss with Charlie. I care about him and he's SO broken. Is he even good for though? I don't know what to do in this situation. He literally begged me to come back and told me I could live with him if I wouldn't run away from my problems. Ugh.
Day four:
So then there was today-Sunday. Kim and B picked me up for church. Calvary was- Calvary. Refreshing and much needed. Pastor gave a great message. CJ prayed with me and I cried. I would I could say I know what to do from here or I was going to have some huge life changing moment but I don't and I probably wont. I'm still angry and tired and just cold. I'm angry with my mom for everything she put me through, with my dad for being so passive, with Monkey for being the "loved" daughter, and even with God. I want to scream or cry... or both. But more on that later... I'm too emotionaly drained to deal with all that. I said lots of hello/goodbye's after church. Then Cole took me to his house. It was great being with his family I love Kim so much-She really is like a second mother to me. B walked in frm the store and said, "I need to do a shot with you." So Cole, B, and I took a shot of Fighting Cock-Ew. B said, "I heard you can drink whiskey like water." haha. It made me smile, wonder what life would have been like if stayed, and wish I had a family like this. Then Cole, Kim and I started painting the kitchen "cowpile/slip" yellow. It was a lot of fun. Cole kept saying he was getting asbestos in his eye. J is 14 now and huge! He's taller than me... Then an old friend from church came over to see me and that was really nice. Not too long after that Alicia came and picked me up. We went to Target, Victoria's Secret, and The Sports Fan. (They sell Patriots things here!) When we got back to Alicia's I passed out on the couch. he woke me up and told me I had to go with her to get Husband but I just wanted to be alone. So I walked down to the water's edge and started writing. I told Alicia if I moved down here it probably wouldn't be with her and learned what I suspected- Husband doesn't like me much. Which is fine, I guess. He seems nice enough- He just doesn't accept different well and I don't fit in his box of "right" or "normal". So I'm sitting by the water in love with the view trying to figure my life out. I'm 21, being evicted, not sure how I'm finishing college, lost in my view of God, and feeling pretty alone. So what do I do? Do I stay in TN and make it on my own? Do I move towards family and rely on them to get me back on my feet? Or do I come home? I have a church, my second family, Cole and Faith. So many decisions to be made! I'm gonna look at ODU's photogrpahy program and talk to MTSU's financial adivsors. I'm going to pro and con everything little thing and pray till I'm blue. Something has to make sense eventually.
Clearing up old things:
- Mary cheated on Dan. :( They broke up sadly.
- Micheal and Brad left for Afganistan. I don't think this one has hit me yet.
- Cassie is kinda with B's roomate Neal after a mini thing with one of the new brothers but is dont with Adam finally.
- Closest I'll ever come to being bi is with Kayla- We have date nights now and I call her my girlfriend but no... I don't like vagina. :)
- T chose her husband and Charlie is depressed and being an alcoholic.
27 June 2011
It's 4pm and I'm almost to Roanoke. Charlie picks me up in Nashville at 2:15am. My last night went well. We had tacos and then went for froyo. I told Charlie how much Cameron hit on me to the point of saying if I kissed him "Charlie would never know." He got really jealousand kept demanding his phone number. I pacified him by telling him how much I miss him. The trip is long and I'm ready to be home even though I have a lot to face. I talked to T today - She says if I can't pay today I'm evicted. Which since I'm on a buss till 2am. I guess we know how that's gonna go. Oh and my passing thought is starting to scare me. I still haven't started. It hit me hard today when I realized I've peed four times and only had one slurpee. I'm about ready to go into complete freak out mode. I'm gonna try and nap. Hopefully not wake up till Knoxville!
Made it to Roanoke- Next stop Wythville. SO over this bus ride! Got a quick smoke break though.
Leaving Wythville. Got Mcdonalds-peed AGAIN. Four hours to Knoxville now.
It's midnight. I'm leaving Knoxville. Two more hours. Met a Rando name Jake at this layover who let me call Charlie. Cute kid- fresh out of high school coming home form Young Life camp. We watched some crazy guy we called "Tweeker" who walked around talking to himself, then ate peanut butter from the jar with a knife and finally played with a plastic bag that we eventually decided he was making into a bomb. Luckily we got on the bus before he finished. :) Two more hours and Charlie picks me up in Nashville! Then when I get home I get to see John, Cassie, and Hayley. Oh I started a poem today... I suck at poetry but here is what I have...
Home is where the heart is but my heart is broken.
I want you to hold me but you can only know a piece.
Push past my walls-Please tear down this fence.
But the me that you see is still incomplete.
I found myself or lost myself but who know when?
Do I search for who I was? Would who I am cease?
With these scars I'm hiding- Nothing makes sense.
Is it too late to turn around or too early to give up?
When home is unclear and the next step is missing--
Do I push on and fight or admit I'd been beat?
Made it to Roanoke- Next stop Wythville. SO over this bus ride! Got a quick smoke break though.
Leaving Wythville. Got Mcdonalds-peed AGAIN. Four hours to Knoxville now.
It's midnight. I'm leaving Knoxville. Two more hours. Met a Rando name Jake at this layover who let me call Charlie. Cute kid- fresh out of high school coming home form Young Life camp. We watched some crazy guy we called "Tweeker" who walked around talking to himself, then ate peanut butter from the jar with a knife and finally played with a plastic bag that we eventually decided he was making into a bomb. Luckily we got on the bus before he finished. :) Two more hours and Charlie picks me up in Nashville! Then when I get home I get to see John, Cassie, and Hayley. Oh I started a poem today... I suck at poetry but here is what I have...
Home is where the heart is but my heart is broken.
I want you to hold me but you can only know a piece.
Push past my walls-Please tear down this fence.
But the me that you see is still incomplete.
I found myself or lost myself but who know when?
Do I search for who I was? Would who I am cease?
With these scars I'm hiding- Nothing makes sense.
Is it too late to turn around or too early to give up?
When home is unclear and the next step is missing--
Do I push on and fight or admit I'd been beat?
28 June 2011
Wow... I'm home. That's for sure. Charlie, Jenna, and Cassie picked me up. Charlie and Jenna were rolling and Jenna simply wouldn't shut up. But on the way back Charlie was super sweet. Jenna needed a ride home about 4am so Charlie took her. Hayley, John and I stayed and played flip cup. By 5:30am I was worried about Charlie. He wasn't answering his phone and I started freaking a bit when the storm got bad. By 6am Hayley and I started driving around looking for him. By 7am I text his mom. Nothing. Eventually his mom let me know he went to his boss' to ask for his job back. I was going to leave but Hayley was supposed to come back form Paul's and there was a creepy rando black guy who wouldn't leave the apartment. So I laid in Charlie's bed. Rando dried his clothes and kept asking for a blanket, when I said there were none he asked if he could lay in Charlie's bed with me--more than once! It was super uncomfortable. Charlie came back at 11without a word and laid down. So I'm by the pool writing this before I go face the office. It scares me that I care... Maybe it's time to walk away...
<3 You don't need a girl like me...
I've got bruises you can't see.
And when the lights go out I wont be around.
You don't need a girl like me.
You can't have a heart like mine.
But you can hold it for awhile.
And even though you think you can...
You can't have a heart like mine. <3
<3 The way you move is like a full on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards.
You're the kind of reckless that should send me running
But I kinda know I wont get far...
Drop everything now!
Meet me in the pouring ran.
Kiss on the sidewalk.
Take away the pain
'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile...
My mind forgets to remind me that you're a bad idea. <3
I've got bruises you can't see.
And when the lights go out I wont be around.
You don't need a girl like me.
You can't have a heart like mine.
But you can hold it for awhile.
And even though you think you can...
You can't have a heart like mine. <3
<3 The way you move is like a full on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards.
You're the kind of reckless that should send me running
But I kinda know I wont get far...
Drop everything now!
Meet me in the pouring ran.
Kiss on the sidewalk.
Take away the pain
'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile...
My mind forgets to remind me that you're a bad idea. <3
11:52- I'm back. Charlie's mom is SO much easier to deal with than T. She's so bitchy. Adam's mom says if I pay partial today I can't get evicted this month so that's kinda helpful. Dad is calling in and they are going to try and convice him to pay the $160.
20 June 2011
Well... Charlie and I talked. I thought things were better. Then last night he came back from his mom's drunk . Took the cat and beer and said he was going to get cigarettes. He came back at 10am this morning. He went to Jenna's to eat pizza and watch a movie... MaryJane, Jason and I rolled (barely) last night. It was a fun light roll. I listened to music most of the night till I hit come down and didn't have Charlie or Luna (my cat). Yeah I laid in bed on ONLY my side of the bed in case Charlie came home and listened to sad love songs. I woke up about 11 and text Charlie who had gone to take his mom lunch to tell him I was leaving. He just said "Life sucks and I need to figure somee things out." So I went to the pool with MaryJane, Jason, and John. We stayed for a couple hours. Charlie came down for awhile in a bad mood. I was in a great mood but super bitchy to him. Eventually I packed all my things from Charlie's and left- then text him goodbye. I think this "breakup" up a relationship that technically never existed is hitting me HARD so I'm going to the club with Kayla and getting drunk. He needs me but he wont admit that. He's so depressed and it's his own damn fault. I want to make it better but he wont let me and it's only hurting me so I'm walking away. Fuck attachments. This is why I don't date or let guys have any important part of me. I refuse to cry. I'm walking away and going to find something better. Someone who deserves my attention who will treat me right and actually care about me adn that person is NOT Charlie!
Clearing things up:
Clearing things up:
- I left some things in his place and had to play capture the flag called Mission Bitch to get them back.
- We stopped even being civil and I started treating him like "not a real person" which... he is a strippper and he then got super turned on.
- So now we may be fuck buddies.... but I don't even have to be nice. It's wonderful.
- John, Hayley, and I are applying for our new apartment this week! I'm SO excited to move!
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