4 July 2011

I think this is one of those times in life when you have to decide if you are going to let things spiral or pick up the pieces and change your life. The problem is the easy route is to spiral. No one would notice. You would just because a party girl slowly losing real friend and not even noticing. I say I never cared about Charlie. I'm even damn good at letting him think he was simply a fuck buddy but the truth is he hurt me and he's the first guy I opened up to enough to let me hurt me. I feel like those walls I let him knock down are back and reinforced. I feel like I'm losing my best friends too. When I realized the house I worked so hard to get with Alan, SH2, and Asshole Brother fell through because I am basically a fuck up and can't get my shit together financially I was upset but realizing they are neighbors now with my best friend David and they are all getting closer while I fall apart just kind of sucks. I wonder if I'll ever get me back? [Jager] and the people I had back then seem so far away. It wasn't just a party group. Those were my real friends, honestly my family and I don't think I have that anymore... I feel like I'm sitting back and watching my life crumble around me. What do I do from here? Who do I cling to? I don't know anymore and the more I drink the less I care... So which road do I take? I almost don't feel like the choice is in my hands anymore.