1 July 2011

Where to even start... Can I start near the end and work my way back? Last night I ended up sitting on the roof of my apartment complex drunk and crying having a cop pull me off the roof. Now to back track...
Charlie was supposed to pick me up from my trip home last week at 2am at the bus stop. We had plans to "make up for lost time" :) When I got off the bus Cassie, Charlie, Jenna, and my kitten were at the bus stop... Weird but cool. That's sweet I guess. I thought maybe I was just being bitchy by feeling disappointed it wasn't just Charlie. I mean they did think to bring the cat! A minute into the car ride I realized Charlie and Jenna are rolling and Jenna wont. shut. up. Charlie was still really sweet though, he kept asking me if I was okay and how my trip was. When we got back Jenna needed a ride home so Charlie took her. I thought, "Cool he'll be back and awake all night! I'll get to spend time with him." Well by 6 am I was pretty worried especially with a storm coming in that was pretty bad. I fell asleep eventually and Charlie came home around 11am. No explanation. Just a sorry, hun. I had some errands to run and when I got back I had work. After work I went back to his place and he said he was going to dinner with him mom and would be right back. He came back drunk around 10pm. Got the cat and beer and said I'm going to get cigarettes. Guess what time he showed back up? 10am. I packed my things and left. I said I needed a break. We ran into him at the pool later in the day and it was kind of awkward but whatever. Well by that night I decided to go out with Kayla and drink. Leave Charlie for a night and let him have some space. When I left he was drinking with Jacob, Jenna, MaryJane, Jason, John, and some Randos. On my way home I get a call that says "Don't go to Charlie's he is fucking Jenna. The night he left drunk and came back at 10am he was at her place watching a movie." Well I was about 20 beers in and approaching devastated drunk. I walked right into Charlie's and knocked on his bedroom door. He said come in and him and Jenna are in the bed under the covers, mind you fully dressed. Well at this point I realized I'm too drunk to deal with this so I turn around and walk out. I text Jenna and say "You thought I wouldn't find out?" and she flips screaming she didn't do anything and throws the phone at the wall. Charlie then proceeds to text me this.... "Your mad when you fucked some one when you were gone ha You made your choices i made mine" I just about lost it. First of all. I told MORE than one person I couldn't do anything while I was home because I was talking to a guy back home I actually cared about. He knew about these guys because I TOLD him about them. But on the flip side Jenna is still trying to convince me nothing is going on. Anyway after a night of crying let's fast forward to the next day. Passive Aggression is what I do best. Starting with making friends with Jenna no matter what so that Charlie ends up screwed in the end. So I ask Jenna to talk things through. I mean we are old sorority sisters and friends long before this "stupid guy". So we talk things out and make plans for the bar! We had a great night out and met up with a bunch of friends. I honestly had fun. Made up with an old friend who admitted she was wrong to me, etc. But Charlie was blowing Jenna's phone up telling her to come spend the night with him. [[Okay foot note. Jenna is in a semi-relationship with an old fling of mine Brad. He is in Afganistan right now and she swears she is in love with him so this whole situation shouldn't exist anyway.]] He text me at one point and said "so where the hell is jen." Well being drunk and honest I respond "with me. she doesn't actually want you. you are gonna break you're own heart just like you did with T. She will pick Brad in the end." His response? "how about you choke and die lol or better yet continued being a slut." Well Jenna was playing a cute game of showing me the rude texts then being sweet when I couldn't read it which I figured out when she got pulled over on the way home and had to pass a sobriety test. Oh and the nice officer who talked to me hit on me! Guys are stupid. So we get back to my place and Charlie shows up at MY house looking for Jenna. What a prick. So we all decided to finally go get my things that were still at his place. On the way I made a crack about once I have my things I can just go choke and die and then some bitchy comment to Jenna about being with him after all of this. She got upset and stormed off. Charlie went after her. I went to sit on his porch and wait. Well at some point I hear them laughing. Get really upset and crawl onto the roof. A bit later I crawl back off the roof to knock and see if the new love birds will let me get my things. No answer. Knock louder. No answer. Palm strike the door. Shit. That is metal fucking door! So now I have a fucked up hand (which today is swollen bruised and hard to bend.) I crawl back on the roof and start bawling. I am about to pass out when a cop comes and pulls me off the roof. While I was on the roof I had text Kaitlyn and told her I was depressed and on the roof so she is freaking out. The cop escorts me home where I pass out on the floor crying. Kaitlyn shows up freaking out on me. When she walks to the back room I take off out the door again. Still not wanting to deal with life. She catches me in the middle of the road where I melt down. I start bawling and can barely stand. She gets me back inside and makes me a bed. After she leaves MaryJane takes me to get much needed cigarettes. I have never in my life felt so broken and lost. Between my money/living situation, my mom, and now Charlie I am surprised I made it through the night to be honest. But today is a new day and after a reality slap from my best friend David, who is the only who could say the things he did to me today and not send me spiraling more, I am going to making some changes. Starting with finding who my real friends are. Not just my party friends but the ones who ACTUALLY care. Ones like David, Michael, Kayla, John and just a couple others. There aren't many but I'll take them over the 50 fake ones. Oh and I'm gonna party less, hang out with friends more! Quit smoking, and focus on finding a real job. It's one of those make or break points in life. This isn't high school anymore. Time to grow up and find out who I really am...