Anyways for the home side of life.... I'm "grounded". Remember when I said my friends are watching me downward spiral into alcoholism, well someone finally notice and while I realize she just cares about me... I don't respond well to control. Jamie has decided that I have a problem and I am not allowed to drink until next wednesday when I go out with her. On that night I can have 5 beers, if I don't agree. I will be locked out of my house. So to that... I used Kaitlyn being in town to get to go out and get drunk anyways last night. I can't stop drinking. It's the only constant I have in my life. It's how I make friends. It's how I keep happy. It's how I open up to people. I'm not in a place in my life that I can lose all that.... Anyways. Kaitlyn being in town was great. I missed having someone who will actually line dance with me! She just left for Chatt and now I'm with Alex and Hayley at the apartment just relaxing and waking up. :)
Saturday, October 15, 2011
15 Oct 2011
So... Exactly one week later Andrew and I were back at the exact same bar in a very different world. He needs more time. He's in a bad place. He wants me to be happy. What. The. Hell. I want to be like fuck this, Not what I signed up for except somewhere inside me I care too much to do that. He is the guy from the beginning that messes with my emotional balance. Starting a year ago pretty much to now at the toga party, then again in April around Bid Day and now all over again. So I'm not sure how this works this time except I'm not giving up so easily this time around. Last night he told me to be like every other girlfriend he's had and start hating him now and from that I managed to start caring more. FML. But in the middle of my drunken emotional mess last night I turned my anger and sadness with Andrew around and did that whole mistake thing. I slept with Benji literally because I didn't want to be alone and he knew it. It was mutally using each other. It kinda of helped. It kinda hurt more. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Oct 12 2011
You know. I miss blogging. I'm not sure I could ever catch back up from July. Dear God, So much has happened it's not even funny but just a couple things.
- Charlie and I do not speak. In fact if I get the opportunity to see that little prick again, EVER, I'll probably kill him. He stole David's guitar and my camera. He ruined my life by getting me into a whole hell of a lot of health problems. There is so much to that story I couldn't even begin to start telling that story but it's LONG over and I'm LONG over him and it. THANK GOD.
- I didn't move in with Hayley. She ended up moving in with her ex "Drunkass" who is another story I wish I had told, Ace and Gauges but they got kicked out recently and Drunkass after having his face beat in by me (That is a story I will HAVE to tell in a bit) went to jail for a bit. Gauges is moving from dorm to dorm on campus right now and Ace is living with some girl for the time being. Hayley is living in my back room until she can get back on her feet. I live with Asshole Brother, Alan and Jamie. We have a husky right now but not sure we are going to be able to keep him. I love my house!
- David and Jackie have been on again off again but are steady now and I'm SO happy they are together. She truly is good for him. On another note Michael and Kayla are on the off week of getting along and it's annoying. I love them both but I hate them together.
So let's move on to just now life. Andrew had made a reappearance in my life. I am sitting back watching him break my heart for a third time. I'm not even sure why I'm letting it happen. We went to Whiskey Dix last friday and he was way too nice from the beginning but around 11 when Tori left he bought me a Jack and Coke and sat down to talk to me. He apologized for everything... He told me I never deserved how he treated me before. We talked things out. It was nice. Then someone came up and told me that it wasn't very lady like to drop the f-bomb. I replied... "That's cause I'm not very lady like." To which Andrew responded... "And that's why she'll be my wife someday." Somehow we get into a fetish talk, master/slave things and move into boyfriend/girlfriend things. I'm still assuming he's just messing with me so I'm kinda blowing him off when he says, "If you want to try sometime... Let me know when you are sober." From that point on I was just waiting for him to break my heart... for the third time. He spend the night that night. We didn't have sex but I did give him head. We cuddled and he stayed till around 10am. He woke me up and we smoked before he left. When I woke up later I text him and this was basically the convo....
"Well, I'm sober now..."
"And..."
"Were you just drunk talking last night?"
"Nope."
"Look I'm not ready to go through this a third time. Please don't do this if you are just playing games."
"I'm not playing games with you."
And yet it's been 4 days and I've seen him since then and we've barely spoken and I've gotten just a hug goodbye. Am I being a girl? Or I am just prolonging this inevitable? I'm not sure but God knows I'll just keep waiting because I wont give up until I have to. I'm not sure what this guy has on me but it's driving me crazy!
And now to go drink my problems away... Wanna hear a secret? I'm an alcoholic. No really. I'm an honest to God, full blown, alcoholic. My friends are watching me spiral and I don't even think they have a clue how bad it's getting... Hmmm.
Monday, July 18, 2011
18 July 2011
Well interesting 24 hours.... The last party at the frat castle finally happened. It was fun. I think everyone that's really a part of "summer crew" was there. I got one beer in before someone offered me molly. I had to take it. I was rolling so much. It was so much fun. I talked to EVERYONE and had more conversations and met more people than I ever would have or would have remembered if I was drinking. Some girl threatened to call the cops because she lost her keys and swore someone stole them so the party kinda ended abruptly around 2am. We all ditched for my apartments for hot tub party... Which is great when rolling anyways. Everyone came out and it was really fun. Charlie got all "Please come upstairs with me" so I did and since I'm rolling my balls off making out was just far too fun to avoid and we'll just say my oral fixation definitely kept Charlie pleased. Sex was reallly nice on Molly, too bad he came early and I was bored. I dipsetted for a few to check the pool back out but the drunk ones had caused drama and the rolling ones were too chill to be fun by 4am. So I went back upstairs to watch Sucker Punch. That was a mind trip for sure but a GREAT movie. I dipset in the morning and hung out with some random people throughout the day like the girl Charlie is currently messing with, Mouse and my new favorite gay man, X's cousin ( Calvin). We hung out by the pool a lot. Then later in the night David's brother (B3) came over with beer. So we hit the hot tub with X, Calvin, Charlie, Mouse, MaryJane, John, Jason, Steven & gf, and Voice. We played circle of death around the hot tub. It was great. At some point Charlie invited me to come play board games with him, Mouse, X, and Calvin but I was having fun with friends. Somewhere in the bailing on him to play that and watch True Blood is when I gave my boy toy to Mouse. She's a cute girl, kinda boring, but hell if she is okay with being used and he is going to smile for a couple days till he gets bored... more power to them. :) I was getting what I wanted from him far to easily anyways. After the hot tub X and I went to B3's house and smoked some Vampire's Blood. We were so high it was ridiculous! We were all on the swing and X has her arms around me and B3 pulling us talking something like this....
"Dude... Doesn't it feel like we're on a boat? Like we're just going through the water. Like on swamp people. We could be swamp people. With that guy that is on the front of the boat with meth teeth but he's only like 19 and he says something like "I'm Billy Bob and I'm a..." What do they call themselves? Cajun! That's it.... They eat weird things there. Like frog legs. Mmmm. Frog legs. What if they fried the frog legs. Maybe they'd be better? We could dip them in honey mustard... Bet they don't do that in Louisiana!"
She was insane! We hung out for a bit then came back to my apartments and I took a pillow and blanket up to Calvin and tossed Charlie his key... Game over for FWB. :) Back at my place MaryJane was reallllyyy drunk which was fun cause I was so high I was geeking out! It was crazy. I laughed about literally everything. I was convinced my carpet was blue. Yeahh. I passed out around 7 and had to be at work at 1. Didn't get there till 2 but I of course blamed having ride issues. So while I got in trouble it's not bad. I need a car and a real job though! I have an interview tomorrow as a nanny. I REALLY hope I get it! :) Well now I need to relax and pass out early because tomorrow is job hunting day with Mary Jane. Ugh. Oh well. I'm turning this life around. I need a job, money, a place to live, and some friends who deserve my attention!
"Dude... Doesn't it feel like we're on a boat? Like we're just going through the water. Like on swamp people. We could be swamp people. With that guy that is on the front of the boat with meth teeth but he's only like 19 and he says something like "I'm Billy Bob and I'm a..." What do they call themselves? Cajun! That's it.... They eat weird things there. Like frog legs. Mmmm. Frog legs. What if they fried the frog legs. Maybe they'd be better? We could dip them in honey mustard... Bet they don't do that in Louisiana!"
She was insane! We hung out for a bit then came back to my apartments and I took a pillow and blanket up to Calvin and tossed Charlie his key... Game over for FWB. :) Back at my place MaryJane was reallllyyy drunk which was fun cause I was so high I was geeking out! It was crazy. I laughed about literally everything. I was convinced my carpet was blue. Yeahh. I passed out around 7 and had to be at work at 1. Didn't get there till 2 but I of course blamed having ride issues. So while I got in trouble it's not bad. I need a car and a real job though! I have an interview tomorrow as a nanny. I REALLY hope I get it! :) Well now I need to relax and pass out early because tomorrow is job hunting day with Mary Jane. Ugh. Oh well. I'm turning this life around. I need a job, money, a place to live, and some friends who deserve my attention!
Friday, July 15, 2011
15 July 2011
Ugh. Here I go forgetting to journal again. Well I'll just do a couple recaps instead of a full blog today...
- Charlie and I have fallen back into old times this time with no expectations I think. It's confusing but just kind of comfortable.
- I am moving in with Hayley in Sept. John kind of screwed up and her over with a place to stay but I'm attempting to be forgiving which is not one of my biggest strengths.
- Alan is back in town... THANK GOD. I went to the bar with him, Andrew, Moose, and Asshole Brother and it was JUST like old times. I woke up in his bed (no we didn't sleep together... we aren't like that) and I just smiled thinking... I missed this!!
- David and Jackie broke up which means things are back to old David and Cassie! :) I love my best friend.
- David and Charlie are too close... Its annoying. David thinks Charlie can be interim Micheal and I disagree. I think Charlie isn't enough of a man to be Michael while Michael is in Afghanistan but he's been nicer to be and we all have fun so I'll let it go for now.
- We accomplished the BIGGEST M.O.M. of our lives... David, Charlie and I, with the help of X pulled a pretty epic night off but so much so I can't even post it on an anonymous blog! :)
- The last frat castle party is Sat!!! I hope it's HUGE!!!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
7 July 2011
So for the first time in my life I had someone ask to be re-evaluated. haha. Which is only funny because his score was a 9.5 to begin with. Do you honestly believe you are perfection dear? He was just ticked off that Adam had a better score but I can't help that Adam is better than Charlie. He bet me money that he was better than Adam. I don't think I'll get the money but I am re-evaluating. He's good... That was never in question but he's still not better than Adam. Sorry trick. :) It was a fun time though. The anger I have towards him just meant I wasn't nice. I said what I thought and I didn't hold back. I tore him to shreds about being a stripper, I told him he was a sociopath and no one really cared about him. It was just bad. But the bitchier I was the more it turned him on for some reason. I eventually went upstairs for something with him and just to spite his shy comments threw him on the bed, literally, and kissed him. We had sex and then went downstairs. We didn't speak at the pool after that. In fact if anything I became simply ruder and ruder and told him I didn't want him near me unless his mouth was shut and his penis hard. Eventually we went back upstairs and had sex... again. Then we went back to the pool and I made sure to be a total flirt. Luckily there were plenty of people around to ignore him for. Hookup, the girls from the day before with Charlie, a Rando I kissed, and a new guy, 24 who is super into me. We met 24 at the pool recently and last night he had a convo with John about me...
24:I hope she remembers me in the morning.
John:Well she will.
24:I like her. She's super cool and nice and respects what I say.
John:Yeah. She is a good girl. She has a wild streak but is fun and pretty responsible when she has to be.
24:That's good. She is cool in my book.
etc.etc.etc.
I feel bad. He's a nice guy... Which is probably what the problem is. John later had to convince him I would remember him today and that I was not upstairs having sex with Charlie. Oh geez. My life is fun. John is going to transcribe the story for me of the whole night because I don't have all the details in my whiskey soaked brain. But it will be called the night shot for shot almost killed me. I did win though! This fratastic girl kicked the poor sociopath's ass and I won't let him forget it. :) Anyways it was an interesting night and I can't wait to post this one as a story.
24:I hope she remembers me in the morning.
John:Well she will.
24:I like her. She's super cool and nice and respects what I say.
John:Yeah. She is a good girl. She has a wild streak but is fun and pretty responsible when she has to be.
24:That's good. She is cool in my book.
etc.etc.etc.
I feel bad. He's a nice guy... Which is probably what the problem is. John later had to convince him I would remember him today and that I was not upstairs having sex with Charlie. Oh geez. My life is fun. John is going to transcribe the story for me of the whole night because I don't have all the details in my whiskey soaked brain. But it will be called the night shot for shot almost killed me. I did win though! This fratastic girl kicked the poor sociopath's ass and I won't let him forget it. :) Anyways it was an interesting night and I can't wait to post this one as a story.
4 July 2011
I think this is one of those times in life when you have to decide if you are going to let things spiral or pick up the pieces and change your life. The problem is the easy route is to spiral. No one would notice. You would just because a party girl slowly losing real friend and not even noticing. I say I never cared about Charlie. I'm even damn good at letting him think he was simply a fuck buddy but the truth is he hurt me and he's the first guy I opened up to enough to let me hurt me. I feel like those walls I let him knock down are back and reinforced. I feel like I'm losing my best friends too. When I realized the house I worked so hard to get with Alan, SH2, and Asshole Brother fell through because I am basically a fuck up and can't get my shit together financially I was upset but realizing they are neighbors now with my best friend David and they are all getting closer while I fall apart just kind of sucks. I wonder if I'll ever get me back? [Jager] and the people I had back then seem so far away. It wasn't just a party group. Those were my real friends, honestly my family and I don't think I have that anymore... I feel like I'm sitting back and watching my life crumble around me. What do I do from here? Who do I cling to? I don't know anymore and the more I drink the less I care... So which road do I take? I almost don't feel like the choice is in my hands anymore.
1 July 2011
Where to even start... Can I start near the end and work my way back? Last night I ended up sitting on the roof of my apartment complex drunk and crying having a cop pull me off the roof. Now to back track...
Charlie was supposed to pick me up from my trip home last week at 2am at the bus stop. We had plans to "make up for lost time" :) When I got off the bus Cassie, Charlie, Jenna, and my kitten were at the bus stop... Weird but cool. That's sweet I guess. I thought maybe I was just being bitchy by feeling disappointed it wasn't just Charlie. I mean they did think to bring the cat! A minute into the car ride I realized Charlie and Jenna are rolling and Jenna wont. shut. up. Charlie was still really sweet though, he kept asking me if I was okay and how my trip was. When we got back Jenna needed a ride home so Charlie took her. I thought, "Cool he'll be back and awake all night! I'll get to spend time with him." Well by 6 am I was pretty worried especially with a storm coming in that was pretty bad. I fell asleep eventually and Charlie came home around 11am. No explanation. Just a sorry, hun. I had some errands to run and when I got back I had work. After work I went back to his place and he said he was going to dinner with him mom and would be right back. He came back drunk around 10pm. Got the cat and beer and said I'm going to get cigarettes. Guess what time he showed back up? 10am. I packed my things and left. I said I needed a break. We ran into him at the pool later in the day and it was kind of awkward but whatever. Well by that night I decided to go out with Kayla and drink. Leave Charlie for a night and let him have some space. When I left he was drinking with Jacob, Jenna, MaryJane, Jason, John, and some Randos. On my way home I get a call that says "Don't go to Charlie's he is fucking Jenna. The night he left drunk and came back at 10am he was at her place watching a movie." Well I was about 20 beers in and approaching devastated drunk. I walked right into Charlie's and knocked on his bedroom door. He said come in and him and Jenna are in the bed under the covers, mind you fully dressed. Well at this point I realized I'm too drunk to deal with this so I turn around and walk out. I text Jenna and say "You thought I wouldn't find out?" and she flips screaming she didn't do anything and throws the phone at the wall. Charlie then proceeds to text me this.... "Your mad when you fucked some one when you were gone ha You made your choices i made mine" I just about lost it. First of all. I told MORE than one person I couldn't do anything while I was home because I was talking to a guy back home I actually cared about. He knew about these guys because I TOLD him about them. But on the flip side Jenna is still trying to convince me nothing is going on. Anyway after a night of crying let's fast forward to the next day. Passive Aggression is what I do best. Starting with making friends with Jenna no matter what so that Charlie ends up screwed in the end. So I ask Jenna to talk things through. I mean we are old sorority sisters and friends long before this "stupid guy". So we talk things out and make plans for the bar! We had a great night out and met up with a bunch of friends. I honestly had fun. Made up with an old friend who admitted she was wrong to me, etc. But Charlie was blowing Jenna's phone up telling her to come spend the night with him. [[Okay foot note. Jenna is in a semi-relationship with an old fling of mine Brad. He is in Afganistan right now and she swears she is in love with him so this whole situation shouldn't exist anyway.]] He text me at one point and said "so where the hell is jen." Well being drunk and honest I respond "with me. she doesn't actually want you. you are gonna break you're own heart just like you did with T. She will pick Brad in the end." His response? "how about you choke and die lol or better yet continued being a slut." Well Jenna was playing a cute game of showing me the rude texts then being sweet when I couldn't read it which I figured out when she got pulled over on the way home and had to pass a sobriety test. Oh and the nice officer who talked to me hit on me! Guys are stupid. So we get back to my place and Charlie shows up at MY house looking for Jenna. What a prick. So we all decided to finally go get my things that were still at his place. On the way I made a crack about once I have my things I can just go choke and die and then some bitchy comment to Jenna about being with him after all of this. She got upset and stormed off. Charlie went after her. I went to sit on his porch and wait. Well at some point I hear them laughing. Get really upset and crawl onto the roof. A bit later I crawl back off the roof to knock and see if the new love birds will let me get my things. No answer. Knock louder. No answer. Palm strike the door. Shit. That is metal fucking door! So now I have a fucked up hand (which today is swollen bruised and hard to bend.) I crawl back on the roof and start bawling. I am about to pass out when a cop comes and pulls me off the roof. While I was on the roof I had text Kaitlyn and told her I was depressed and on the roof so she is freaking out. The cop escorts me home where I pass out on the floor crying. Kaitlyn shows up freaking out on me. When she walks to the back room I take off out the door again. Still not wanting to deal with life. She catches me in the middle of the road where I melt down. I start bawling and can barely stand. She gets me back inside and makes me a bed. After she leaves MaryJane takes me to get much needed cigarettes. I have never in my life felt so broken and lost. Between my money/living situation, my mom, and now Charlie I am surprised I made it through the night to be honest. But today is a new day and after a reality slap from my best friend David, who is the only who could say the things he did to me today and not send me spiraling more, I am going to making some changes. Starting with finding who my real friends are. Not just my party friends but the ones who ACTUALLY care. Ones like David, Michael, Kayla, John and just a couple others. There aren't many but I'll take them over the 50 fake ones. Oh and I'm gonna party less, hang out with friends more! Quit smoking, and focus on finding a real job. It's one of those make or break points in life. This isn't high school anymore. Time to grow up and find out who I really am...
Charlie was supposed to pick me up from my trip home last week at 2am at the bus stop. We had plans to "make up for lost time" :) When I got off the bus Cassie, Charlie, Jenna, and my kitten were at the bus stop... Weird but cool. That's sweet I guess. I thought maybe I was just being bitchy by feeling disappointed it wasn't just Charlie. I mean they did think to bring the cat! A minute into the car ride I realized Charlie and Jenna are rolling and Jenna wont. shut. up. Charlie was still really sweet though, he kept asking me if I was okay and how my trip was. When we got back Jenna needed a ride home so Charlie took her. I thought, "Cool he'll be back and awake all night! I'll get to spend time with him." Well by 6 am I was pretty worried especially with a storm coming in that was pretty bad. I fell asleep eventually and Charlie came home around 11am. No explanation. Just a sorry, hun. I had some errands to run and when I got back I had work. After work I went back to his place and he said he was going to dinner with him mom and would be right back. He came back drunk around 10pm. Got the cat and beer and said I'm going to get cigarettes. Guess what time he showed back up? 10am. I packed my things and left. I said I needed a break. We ran into him at the pool later in the day and it was kind of awkward but whatever. Well by that night I decided to go out with Kayla and drink. Leave Charlie for a night and let him have some space. When I left he was drinking with Jacob, Jenna, MaryJane, Jason, John, and some Randos. On my way home I get a call that says "Don't go to Charlie's he is fucking Jenna. The night he left drunk and came back at 10am he was at her place watching a movie." Well I was about 20 beers in and approaching devastated drunk. I walked right into Charlie's and knocked on his bedroom door. He said come in and him and Jenna are in the bed under the covers, mind you fully dressed. Well at this point I realized I'm too drunk to deal with this so I turn around and walk out. I text Jenna and say "You thought I wouldn't find out?" and she flips screaming she didn't do anything and throws the phone at the wall. Charlie then proceeds to text me this.... "Your mad when you fucked some one when you were gone ha You made your choices i made mine" I just about lost it. First of all. I told MORE than one person I couldn't do anything while I was home because I was talking to a guy back home I actually cared about. He knew about these guys because I TOLD him about them. But on the flip side Jenna is still trying to convince me nothing is going on. Anyway after a night of crying let's fast forward to the next day. Passive Aggression is what I do best. Starting with making friends with Jenna no matter what so that Charlie ends up screwed in the end. So I ask Jenna to talk things through. I mean we are old sorority sisters and friends long before this "stupid guy". So we talk things out and make plans for the bar! We had a great night out and met up with a bunch of friends. I honestly had fun. Made up with an old friend who admitted she was wrong to me, etc. But Charlie was blowing Jenna's phone up telling her to come spend the night with him. [[Okay foot note. Jenna is in a semi-relationship with an old fling of mine Brad. He is in Afganistan right now and she swears she is in love with him so this whole situation shouldn't exist anyway.]] He text me at one point and said "so where the hell is jen." Well being drunk and honest I respond "with me. she doesn't actually want you. you are gonna break you're own heart just like you did with T. She will pick Brad in the end." His response? "how about you choke and die lol or better yet continued being a slut." Well Jenna was playing a cute game of showing me the rude texts then being sweet when I couldn't read it which I figured out when she got pulled over on the way home and had to pass a sobriety test. Oh and the nice officer who talked to me hit on me! Guys are stupid. So we get back to my place and Charlie shows up at MY house looking for Jenna. What a prick. So we all decided to finally go get my things that were still at his place. On the way I made a crack about once I have my things I can just go choke and die and then some bitchy comment to Jenna about being with him after all of this. She got upset and stormed off. Charlie went after her. I went to sit on his porch and wait. Well at some point I hear them laughing. Get really upset and crawl onto the roof. A bit later I crawl back off the roof to knock and see if the new love birds will let me get my things. No answer. Knock louder. No answer. Palm strike the door. Shit. That is metal fucking door! So now I have a fucked up hand (which today is swollen bruised and hard to bend.) I crawl back on the roof and start bawling. I am about to pass out when a cop comes and pulls me off the roof. While I was on the roof I had text Kaitlyn and told her I was depressed and on the roof so she is freaking out. The cop escorts me home where I pass out on the floor crying. Kaitlyn shows up freaking out on me. When she walks to the back room I take off out the door again. Still not wanting to deal with life. She catches me in the middle of the road where I melt down. I start bawling and can barely stand. She gets me back inside and makes me a bed. After she leaves MaryJane takes me to get much needed cigarettes. I have never in my life felt so broken and lost. Between my money/living situation, my mom, and now Charlie I am surprised I made it through the night to be honest. But today is a new day and after a reality slap from my best friend David, who is the only who could say the things he did to me today and not send me spiraling more, I am going to making some changes. Starting with finding who my real friends are. Not just my party friends but the ones who ACTUALLY care. Ones like David, Michael, Kayla, John and just a couple others. There aren't many but I'll take them over the 50 fake ones. Oh and I'm gonna party less, hang out with friends more! Quit smoking, and focus on finding a real job. It's one of those make or break points in life. This isn't high school anymore. Time to grow up and find out who I really am...
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